This thread can only go in one direction now....
Yo mama is so fat that, after sex, she smokes a turkey.
Jokes
http://www.forwardtoyesterday.com -- Where "hopelessly dated" is a compliment!
So, Mr. and Mrs. Carrot are crossing the street and Mr. Carrot gets hit by a bus. An ambulance rushes him, and the distraught Mrs. Carrot, to the E.R.
After several desperate, Mrs. Carrot is approached by a grim faced doctor.
"Mrs. Carrot," he says, "you're husband is going to pull through. However, he'll always be a vegetable."
After several desperate, Mrs. Carrot is approached by a grim faced doctor.
"Mrs. Carrot," he says, "you're husband is going to pull through. However, he'll always be a vegetable."
http://www.forwardtoyesterday.com -- Where "hopelessly dated" is a compliment!
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Boy With A Problem
- Posts: 2718
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 9:41 pm
- Location: Inside the Pocket of a Clown
This one just in from Sister With A Problem (SWAP)
A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in
>> New York City.
>> He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for
>> my wife, size 34B."
>> With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind
>> of bra?"
>>
>> He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that
>> she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what
>> she wanted."
>>
>> "Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't
>> get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly
>> our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the
>> Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra"
>>
>> Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So,
>> what are the differences?"
>>
>> The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite
>> simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The
>> Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
>> Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
>>
>> He mused on that information for a minute and said:
>> Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the
>> Jewish bra do?"
>>
>> "A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of
>>molehills."
>>
A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in
>> New York City.
>> He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for
>> my wife, size 34B."
>> With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind
>> of bra?"
>>
>> He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that
>> she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what
>> she wanted."
>>
>> "Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't
>> get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly
>> our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the
>> Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra"
>>
>> Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So,
>> what are the differences?"
>>
>> The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite
>> simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The
>> Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
>> Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
>>
>> He mused on that information for a minute and said:
>> Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the
>> Jewish bra do?"
>>
>> "A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of
>>molehills."
>>
Everyone just needs to fuckin’ relax. Smoke more weed, the world is ending.
A boy comes home from Hebrew school.
"Mom, I'm going to be in the school play."
"Great. What are you playing?"
"A Jewish husband."
"Son, I want you to march right back to Temple and demand a speaking role!"
"Mom, I'm going to be in the school play."
"Great. What are you playing?"
"A Jewish husband."
"Son, I want you to march right back to Temple and demand a speaking role!"
http://www.forwardtoyesterday.com -- Where "hopelessly dated" is a compliment!
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noiseradio
- Posts: 2295
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 12:04 pm
- Location: Dallas, TX
- Contact:
Why is a drum machine so much better than a drummer?
Because on the drum machine you only have to punch in the information once.
What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey, guys , why don't we try one of my songs? ..."
Because on the drum machine you only have to punch in the information once.
What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey, guys , why don't we try one of my songs? ..."
echos myron like a siren
with endurance like the liberty bell
and he tells you of the dreamers
but he's cracked up like the road
and he'd like to lift us up, but we're a very heavy load
with endurance like the liberty bell
and he tells you of the dreamers
but he's cracked up like the road
and he'd like to lift us up, but we're a very heavy load
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Jackson Monk
- Posts: 1919
- Joined: Fri Sep 19, 2003 4:33 pm
- Location: At the other end of the telescope
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
- no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
- no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.
corruptio optimi pessima
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Otis Westinghouse
- Posts: 8856
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 3:32 pm
- Location: The theatre of dreams
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King Hoarse
- Posts: 1450
- Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2004 11:32 pm
- Location: Malmö, Sweden
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noiseradio
- Posts: 2295
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 12:04 pm
- Location: Dallas, TX
- Contact:
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Nevermind, the piano player can do it with his left hand.
What's the first thing a bass player says when he knocks on your door?
"Pizza!"
What's the difference between a bass player and God?
God doesn't think he's a bass player.
And finally:
How do you get a bass player to stop playing?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Nevermind, the piano player can do it with his left hand.
What's the first thing a bass player says when he knocks on your door?
"Pizza!"
What's the difference between a bass player and God?
God doesn't think he's a bass player.
And finally:
How do you get a bass player to stop playing?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
--William Shakespeare
--William Shakespeare
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noiseradio
- Posts: 2295
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 12:04 pm
- Location: Dallas, TX
- Contact:
This one gets at drummers and bassists. But mostly bassists:
A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"
"Bass solo."
A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"
"Bass solo."
"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
--William Shakespeare
--William Shakespeare
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noiseradio
- Posts: 2295
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 12:04 pm
- Location: Dallas, TX
- Contact:
What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?
Homeless
What's the difference between Eric Clapton and 7-11 coffee?
They both suck without Cream.
Why are so many guitar jokes one-liners?
So other kinds of musicians can get them.
Homeless
What's the difference between Eric Clapton and 7-11 coffee?
They both suck without Cream.
Why are so many guitar jokes one-liners?
So other kinds of musicians can get them.
"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
--William Shakespeare
--William Shakespeare
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Boy With A Problem
- Posts: 2718
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 9:41 pm
- Location: Inside the Pocket of a Clown
A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth", he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" asks the owner.
"A female horth," the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes and
puts him
down again.
"Nithe eyeth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth
and puts
him down.
"Nithe teeth... may I now see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the
dwarf
to show him the horse's ears and then puts him down.
"Nithe eerth," he says. "Now... can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and, holding him by the
scruff of
his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep inside the
horse's
vag*na. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling
him out
and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze
that: Can I
see her wun awound?"
"I'd like to buy a horth", he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" asks the owner.
"A female horth," the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes and
puts him
down again.
"Nithe eyeth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth
and puts
him down.
"Nithe teeth... may I now see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the
dwarf
to show him the horse's ears and then puts him down.
"Nithe eerth," he says. "Now... can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and, holding him by the
scruff of
his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep inside the
horse's
vag*na. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling
him out
and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze
that: Can I
see her wun awound?"
Everyone just needs to fuckin’ relax. Smoke more weed, the world is ending.
Elvis C., Diana K., and their two illegitamate children (ages 5 and 19) walk into Elvis' manager's office. Diana is holding their newly adopted infant Cambodian baby, the 18 year old has a pet Shetland pony with her, and the five year old carries a silver bucket.
Elvis says to his manager, "I can't write songs anymore. The magic is gone. I'm giving up the guitar. The family and I are working on a new act."
"Take a seat and tell me about it, you wanker, you", the manager says.
Elvis says to his manager, "I can't write songs anymore. The magic is gone. I'm giving up the guitar. The family and I are working on a new act."
"Take a seat and tell me about it, you wanker, you", the manager says.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think that you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt
- M. Twain
- M. Twain
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Gillibeanz
- Posts: 1697
- Joined: Wed Jun 11, 2003 1:28 pm
- Location: England
2 strangers sitting in a bar get talking. They introduce theirselves to each other as John and Pete and buy each other drinks and chat all night . At closing time John goes to get up off his stool and crashes to the ground splitting his head open. Pete helps him up and arm in arm they stagger to the door where John whacks his leg on the door frame cutting it open. They stagger outside and he falls down on the pavement knocking out 3 of his teeth. Pete helps him up again and hails a cab and on getting out John crashes to the ground again resulting in 2 black eyes. They weeve their way to the front door and Pete rings on the bell whereby Johns wife answers and helps him up the stairs and puts him to bed
The next morning John wakes up looking like hes gone 10 rounds with Mohammed Ali and groans "Blimey I must have been drunk last night"
"Drunk? shrieks his wife "You must have been paraletic - you came home without your wheelchair!!"
Anyone offended by religious jokes dont read the next two.......
Jesus is at the last supper and stands up and announces "I am now going to turn this water into wine" Judas stands up and says
"Oh no your not! You can put your fucking
£10 in the whip round jar like everybody else!"
Jesus and 2 of his disciples Luke and Matthew go to a brothel. They each chose their prostitute and disapear into a room. Half an hour later they all emerge and Matthew says to Luke "How was yours?"
Luke says "Fantastic! I did everything to her and it was ace - how was yours?"
Matthew says "Well I gave her a good seeing to - im well satisfied" they both turn to Jesus who is looking miserable and ask how he got on.
"Terrible!" says Jesus "I was really looking forward to it - we got naked, I put my hand on it and it healed over!!"
The next morning John wakes up looking like hes gone 10 rounds with Mohammed Ali and groans "Blimey I must have been drunk last night"
"Drunk? shrieks his wife "You must have been paraletic - you came home without your wheelchair!!"
Anyone offended by religious jokes dont read the next two.......
Jesus is at the last supper and stands up and announces "I am now going to turn this water into wine" Judas stands up and says
"Oh no your not! You can put your fucking
£10 in the whip round jar like everybody else!"
Jesus and 2 of his disciples Luke and Matthew go to a brothel. They each chose their prostitute and disapear into a room. Half an hour later they all emerge and Matthew says to Luke "How was yours?"
Luke says "Fantastic! I did everything to her and it was ace - how was yours?"
Matthew says "Well I gave her a good seeing to - im well satisfied" they both turn to Jesus who is looking miserable and ask how he got on.
"Terrible!" says Jesus "I was really looking forward to it - we got naked, I put my hand on it and it healed over!!"
Last edited by Gillibeanz on Tue Jul 11, 2006 1:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.
COME ON YOU SPURS!!
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double dutchess
- Posts: 146
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 11:01 am
- Location: New York
Oh dear.Elvis C., Diana K., and their two illegitamate children (ages 5 and 19) walk into Elvis' manager's office. Diana is holding their newly adopted infant Cambodian baby, the 18 year old has a pet Shetland pony with her, and the five year old carries a silver bucket.
Elvis says to his manager, "I can't write songs anymore. The magic is gone. I'm giving up the guitar. The family and I are working on a new act."
"Take a seat and tell me about it, you wanker, you", the manager says.
I wasn't born the sharpest thorn
Okay, I admit it, this has me completely flumoxed. I'm probably being way obtuse, but I just haven't a clue what this means.ice nine wrote:Elvis C., Diana K., and their two illegitamate children (ages 5 and 19) walk into Elvis' manager's office. Diana is holding their newly adopted infant Cambodian baby, the 18 year old has a pet Shetland pony with her, and the five year old carries a silver bucket.
Elvis says to his manager, "I can't write songs anymore. The magic is gone. I'm giving up the guitar. The family and I are working on a new act."
"Take a seat and tell me about it, you wanker, you", the manager says.
http://www.forwardtoyesterday.com -- Where "hopelessly dated" is a compliment!
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King Hoarse
- Posts: 1450
- Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2004 11:32 pm
- Location: Malmö, Sweden
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miss buenos aires
- Posts: 2055
- Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2003 7:15 am
- Location: jcnj
- Contact:
Are you serious? No, you're not. Never mind.bobster wrote:Okay, I admit it, this has me completely flumoxed. I'm probably being way obtuse, but I just haven't a clue what this means.ice nine wrote:Elvis C., Diana K., and their two illegitamate children (ages 5 and 19) walk into Elvis' manager's office. Diana is holding their newly adopted infant Cambodian baby, the 18 year old has a pet Shetland pony with her, and the five year old carries a silver bucket.
Elvis says to his manager, "I can't write songs anymore. The magic is gone. I'm giving up the guitar. The family and I are working on a new act."
"Take a seat and tell me about it, you wanker, you", the manager says.
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bambooneedle
- Posts: 4533
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 4:02 pm
- Location: a few thousand miles south east of Zanzibar
Sorry about the confusion. The 'joke' refers to the movie The Aristocrats. Half of this board are probably too young to be allowed to see it. The movie theatre even had a poster that stated that only adults will be admitted.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think that you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt
- M. Twain
- M. Twain
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miss buenos aires
- Posts: 2055
- Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2003 7:15 am
- Location: jcnj
- Contact: