mistake?

miss buenos aires · Post by **miss buenos aires** » Wed Feb 18, 2004 2:48 pm

Are relationships between introverts and extroverts doomed to failure? Will one person inevitably become frustrated with the other person for not being more like them?

Discuss, please.

pip_52 · Post by **pip_52** » Wed Feb 18, 2004 2:54 pm

Ive found that it tends to be a complimentary relationship. You can play off of each others' strengths and weaknesses that way. This can work for both "relationships" as well as friendships.

But I guess, ultimately, it depends on the people involved . . .

Post by **spooky girlfriend** » Wed Feb 18, 2004 3:06 pm

I'm an extrovert. The ex-husband, well, I occasionally had to hold a mirror under his nose to tell if he was still breathing.

At least for us two, that was a disaster.

DrS is pretty much an extrovert as well. It seems to work better this way - at least for us.

Mr. Average · Post by **Mr. Average** » Wed Feb 18, 2004 5:26 pm

The formula is complicated and certainly not as simple as "opposites attract".

One benefit of my 46 years is the wisdom that I have gained from observing and mediating relationship bliss and relationship discord. While I must disqualify my experience as limited and my evidence as largely anecdotal, I can suggest the following:

1. If the introvert appears uncomfortable AT ALL with the partners extroversion, it will not get better. It will get worse. It will probably grow to be fatal to a successful relationship. The discomfort may reflect jealousy (expressed in many ways - the introvert is jealous of the extroverted partner and desires the ability to interact on a more social level, and/or the jealousy associated with the attention that is typically showered on an extrovert, especially if they are an equal opportunity extrovert. This is very evident when the extrovert is a female, the introvert is a male, and the extrovert does not discriminate in her openness with males versus females. Because many males, as juvenile and primal as it sounds, are prone to misreading extroversion and attention as personal interest in them, they often respond to the female extrovert in such a way as to render the intovert jealous and even more uncomfortable. Of course, the converse of this is true.

2. If the introvert in the relationship finds joy and happiness with their partners social graces, and vicariously feeds off it, then the relationship will work. It isn't difficult to tell if they enjoy the role as best supporting actor. If they enjoy the fact that their partner is extroverted and a social butterfly, they will exhibit behavior that puts their partner in front of people. If they are not comfortable, they will suggest more introverted activities like going to movies, quiet nights at home, etc. As I mentioned, it is easy to see when you are on the outside looking in, but when you are the inside, and IN LOOOOOVE, it may be more difficult to see. That is when the input of your friends really can help, especially if they are brutally honest.

The common theme is simple: if one partner ever utters the words "I wish they weren't so ________________, it embarrasses me. But I think I can change them with time." then the relationship will likely not survive. In general, if you enter a relationship hoping to change the individual, improve the individual, enlighten the individual to your way of thinking, and that outcome is prerequisite to YOUR happiness, then it probably won't be good. On the other hand, it is exciting to want to make another person more happy, more fulfilled because of your experience, your passion, your love of life. But if their capitulation to this form of growth is a function of YOUR needs, not theirs, then watch out.

selfmademug · Post by **selfmademug** » Wed Feb 18, 2004 6:06 pm

My experience is that is can be a big, big problem. However, it may take you seventeen years to discover it. Make of that what you will!!

Goody2Shoes · Post by **Goody2Shoes** » Wed Feb 18, 2004 6:20 pm

No, nothing is doomed to failure. Okay, that's not really true, but I think that introverts and extroverts can get along nicely. As Pip pointed out, they can complement each other, as long as each one knows what he or she is getting into.

By that I mean that they should expect some tension. However, a little tension can be good for a relationship in that it makes both parties think about how they relate to one another, rather than always resorting to habit and comfort. It makes you get out of your own head once in a while.

Most importantly, each person has to trust the other enough to give them the space to be who they are. And each has to have the maturity to realize that every situation will not always be resolved to perfect satisfaction. Compromise is the key, but that is the key to any healthy relationship.

Post by **BlueChair** » Wed Feb 18, 2004 11:18 pm

I think every relationship needs a big mouth, and someone contemplative.

AlmostBlue · Post by **AlmostBlue** » Thu Feb 19, 2004 3:29 am

BlueChair wrote:I think every relationship needs a big mouth, and someone contemplative.

that makes a lot of sense.

also, I thought the EC fans were the introverts

Misha · Post by **Misha** » Thu Feb 19, 2004 3:59 am

It all depends on the people...but I personally think it is the way to go..

It is all balance...I can be loud enough for two...so having someone be quiet is a nice way to water me down....

verbal gymnastics · Post by **verbal gymnastics** » Thu Feb 19, 2004 4:29 am

BlueChair wrote:I think every relationship needs a big mouth, and someone contemplative.

So who's who in your relationship then Blue/Red?

Gillibeanz · Post by **Gillibeanz** » Thu Feb 19, 2004 6:43 am

I am an introvert and very shy and my partner is an extrovert. On the whole I think its a good thing as he makes me do some things I wouldnt normally do and I restrain him sometimes when it gets a bit much! I guess it all depends on how much you love each other - you have to make adjustments for each others wants and feelings as with any relationship!

Mind you it does have its downside. On a holiday my parntner went in for the Karaoke on board a crusie of 1,000 people. He chose Linonel Richies '3 times a lady' and dedicated it to me. I was hauled up on the stage while he sung it to me complete in an elvis wig and plastic guitar and dancing all around me while he changed the words to '3 times a floosie'! The place was in an uproar and the next day I was stopped every 5 minutes by people saying how funny it was and " Oh hi - you must be the floosie!!!"

verbal gymnastics · Post by **verbal gymnastics** » Thu Feb 19, 2004 7:12 am

At least it wasn't a Lionel Richie wig!

Gilli -

(one for each time you were a floozie!)

Post by **BlueChair** » Thu Feb 19, 2004 12:05 pm

verbal gymnastics wrote:
BlueChair wrote:I think every relationship needs a big mouth, and someone contemplative.
So who's who in your relationship then Blue/Red?

It's weird with us. Cause we both can be really quiet, really loud, and we both think too much sometimes. I'd say I'm more introverted and Red's more outgoing though.

miss buenos aires · Post by **miss buenos aires** » Thu Feb 19, 2004 12:24 pm

Mr. A, I think you really hit the nail on the head. That explained a lot, thanks.

Poppet · Post by **Poppet** » Thu Feb 19, 2004 12:25 pm

Mr. Average - wow! that was a lovely post!

you wouldn't happen to be a counselor, would you?

yeah, i shoulda' paid more attention to the idea 'i can change him = watch out'. but hey, it was a great learning experience, since i survived it.

i've been looking at Myers Briggs stuff lately - there they say that intraverts and extroverts are generally good in relationships. opposites do attract - it's nice to have a partner whose skills complement your own.

Copenhagen Fan · Post by **Copenhagen Fan** » Thu Feb 19, 2004 1:54 pm

I'll throw my two cents in....In my opinion, it all boils down to WHY the Extrovert is extroverted and WHY the introvert is introverted. If the extrovert runs around drumming up attention for themself because they are bored or feel restless in the relationship, then the introvert will have to be the strong silent type...not someone with no self esteem and someone who is shy and stays in the corner because they are filled with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. It is also important to break down the two rolls into different gender specifications.

The Extroverted woman will crush the introverted man (unless he is a powerful brooding introvert who just is aloof and is strong and secure). The female extrovert can't help but attract hordes of interested men, who like Mr. A explained, misinterpret the female extrovert's kindness and openess and go for the kill, driving the "insecure" introverted male BATTY. Many female extroverts are fighting for attention and to prove to themselves that they have value. They are filling up a hole. (no pun intended!)

The extroverted male is also an attention seeking creature who is restless and wants something to happen. Maybe he flirts with women and does wild things for cheap kicks...this should not destroy the introvert female, as he is only a man and will never gain the real interest or create real jealosy, because a man is always in the position where HE usually has to make the powermove to make something sexual happen. Women rarely make the ultimate powermove and take it up a notch. If the introvert female trusts the extrovert male and justs chills out all will be well, he is harmless and just wants his attention. My ex wife was an introvert (she happened to be a powerful person who just let me roll and then collected me at the end of the night after she had enjoyed her intellectual conversations, while her husband did weird things and ran around naked). True love is knowing what your partner needs and giving them room to do it, without flipping out....if the extrovert gets their fix, they will always come home.

The introvert who is pained and gets envious of the extrovert is doomed..........plain and simple..........The Clint Eastwood Introvert will be able to hang in there......

selfmademug · Post by **selfmademug** » Thu Feb 19, 2004 2:24 pm

Oy, Cope, what universe do you live in? I suppose that is your experience but the gender-based aspect of what you say is crass generalization, believe me. If I may be so bold, I would suggest that you tend to know people who fulfill your gender-based expectations because that's what you like and what makes your world tick. I hate it and so tend to find people who defy the expectations or at least don't share them. Also, intellectual versus physical has absolutely nothing whatever to do with introverted versus extroverted.

MBA, was this a rhetorical question? Or do you need this as advice? If the latter, I would clarify one thing for myself, if I were you: do you mean introverted with you or introverted with other people? Cause there are some people who just don't know themselves at all, and so the introversion extends (as it were) to everyone-- they don't share of themselves not because they are private but because they are self-ignorant. That type of person will be a lot of work, and you had better really adore them. That's my experience.

miss buenos aires · Post by **miss buenos aires** » Thu Feb 19, 2004 2:59 pm

Not introverted with me, Ms. Mug, very self-aware. Almost too self-aware.

I suppose the situation has somewhat sorted itself out; I just wanted to throw the question out there, because dating introverts has not necessarily been a problem for me in the past. (Is it that obvious to everyone that I'm the extrovert? I guess.)

laughingcrow · Post by **laughingcrow** » Fri Feb 20, 2004 5:41 am

Extroverts are always 'deep down' less stable than introverts...so the relationship can be a successful mutual one.

Goody2Shoes · Post by **Goody2Shoes** » Fri Feb 20, 2004 10:33 am

Cope, I'm sorry, but I reject the notion that extroverts are gregarious because they have a deep-seated need for attention. Is it not possible that extroverts are people who have a talent for drawing other people out because they truly enjoy their company? What you describe as extroversion sounds more like exhibitionism.

Mr. Average · Post by **Mr. Average** » Fri Feb 20, 2004 12:00 pm

From my experience, one thing is certain:

When describing patterns of human behavior, the word "always" doesn't belong. Characterizing human behavior disallows black and white categorizations and stereotypes. It is an art that absoluetely no one has perfected, and no one ever will.

It's what makes the world go 'round.

laughingcrow · Post by **laughingcrow** » Sat Feb 21, 2004 8:18 am

Yeah, I actually agree with you MrA...I suppose I was being a bit generalistic there...but I do feel that usually someone who is perceived as gregarious or extroverted is usually a lot less like that than is generally perceived.

RedShoes · Post by **RedShoes** » Sun Feb 22, 2004 5:26 pm

Why it is always assumed that extroverts can't be self-reflective? I'm particularly extroverted a lot of situations - I strike up conversations with complete strangers and am generally comfortable in large groups. But get me alone or with a small group I'm really close with and I'll question everything and can be very uncertain of myself...

So I guess I'm over analytical <i>and</i> loud and obnoxious.....yikes I'm lucky that Blue puts up with me

crash8_durham · Post by **crash8_durham** » Sun Feb 22, 2004 6:07 pm

Take the Meyers-Briggs course and you will understand E's and I's much better. We are all hard wired in one way or the other and at different levels. Extroverts can be way out there or just seem a bit more social that others. Introverts can be quite or absolute hermits.

What it comes down to is that when we are in an uncomfortable or new situation we will always go back to what our default pesonality or dispostion is. As we grow and mature we change and learn how to adapt and handle things in our lives with more thought and planning and we learn from our experience. But the instinct remains the same. We will always go with what is comforatble to us and what we do from that point is up to us.

Copenhagen Fan · Post by **Copenhagen Fan** » Tue Feb 24, 2004 6:00 am

JELLYBEANZ! That's a great question! I guess I've been living in this Danish universe for way too long! There are many social codes that exist, that limit the individual's right to attention and praise! *we all must be humble and equal*....*don't think you are too big*...*don't show up the next guy*....there are many such codes here. There is a tendency to economize feelings here, no feedback......If you hear nothing, then you're doing ok! If you hear something, you're doing a bad job or something wrong. This is an extremely implicit culture, where a mere glance can freeze you. It is truly weird, yes.....many people here go crazy and seek attention because they have never gotten it in their childhood. So being en extrovert is not really normal at all....it breaks the codes....hence, a problem is the cause of the extrovert's behavior. Thank you for pointing that out for me! ha ha.....it did not even compute.....until you said that.

By the way....I get attacked even when I don't say anything sexually explicit?? *HA HA*...how can that be????? I must be evil.